Time's Pendulum

It was right around a year ago that I began this blog. My decision was to try and write everyday, which for quite a long time I did, and find my outlet. To really give myself permission to express myself. I admit that I may have thought this blog was a shiny key, made out of antique pewter and forged with the powers to unlock all doors that were closed to my mind and will. The outlandish dreams that I foresaw unlocking didn't all come to pass. But I did find that sharing my voice wasn't as scary as I had thought. I wasn't one thousand percent honest, I still sheltered feelings and thoughts - mainly because I don't like hurting feelings, and who knew could be doing the reading on the other side. But in a large way, I let myself speak freely.

The main reason I began this blog was because I was drowning. Or fading. Or losing control. Perhaps all three in one twisted cyclone of sorrow and rage. I didn't know how to distribute my emotions. After we had the second miscarriage, reality just snapped. I developed a panic disorder, and became the proxy for all anxiety in a five mile radius. The extreme shift had me feeling like I was suffering a special sort of madness divvied by the waving of a Hatter's hand.

Stress affects everyone. Sorrow is especially hard hitting, even for a pretty optimistic girl. I took my cues from Pollyanna and Mary Poppins as a child, and kept them in my back pocket when with adolescence, and an extremely dysfunctional (though occasionally charming) family, life grew dark. I managed to forge forward, make the tough decisions that come from raising oneself, and keep it together. Living primarily on my own, I graduated from my tiny high school of brilliant minds as salutatorian, went to college, saved my own life, and discovered the beauty of real love in the man I married.

Most of the time, I put my head down and moved. Following my feet where they would carry me. Nothing about my journey was extraordinary, except that it was mine. To those who know me best, and who were along for the turning of the tides, there were some fairly engaging and bizarre bits of time. But it's all past. Just as the miscarriages, the loss, and the extreme feelings of failure are past.

We get the choice to choose. To either dwell in the wrongs and misgivings that have gotten in our way over the course of our life, or to let go. Decide to be bitter or better. The mind is constantly in either the past or the future. Worrying over what is to come, or feeling over what has transpired. But in the present is where the truth waits.

I'm glad I began this blog. That I had the courage to do this, even when I felt as though I was talking to myself. My ramblings aren't brilliant notions for the ages, but pieces of me. As I continue working on myself, on rebuilding and putting Paige back together, I'm grateful I have taken the time to examine some of my lesser and greater parts.

Each footprint imprinted in the earth is a part of our journey. The leaps and bounds may feel exhilarating, but it's impossible to get to the point where you can jump, knowing the net will appear, if you haven't had the courage to walk to that point in the path.  

I hope you, whoever you are, don't ever give up taking the steps to where you want to go. Remember to look up along the way, to draw inspiration from all the beauty that passes you by, and know that you're never alone.

{source}

A New Voice

I love photography. To be more exact, I love art - all the mediums, all the various ways that moments are captured, exposed, and brought into new light. But I don't ever dare step outside the writing medium. Strike that, I didn't ever dare try my hand at something other than wording story, sentence, and prose.

I decided, encouraged by Weeks two and three of my journey on the artist's way, to step outside of my narrow, cozy, confined, little box.

The result: I looked at the world from another angle. And it was fun.

Here are some of the moments I discovered.

 

 

If The Rain Comes

The jaws of rain have opened and it's a wash in Tennessee, today. Personally, I love a good rain. The way the world seems to open its eyes a little wider when the earth is saturated, and the day feels new. The grass pulses color, greens of jade and olive mingle with copper and gold. It's such a sight to sip on. 

There's something else I love about rainy days. They wash away the past. They're a cleanse, and the perfect time to give yourself permission to let go. Of whatever it is you're holding onto, whatever it is that keeps you from moving forward towards your dreams. 

Today is the perfect day to let those fears, the guilt, confusion, anger, hurt, or sadness wash away. It's the door that opens when the rains come down. Now you've only to step through. 

{source}

The Pause

It's exceptionally easy to hurry. To move forward with a caffeine IV tapped in one vein, and the story of our life resolutely fleeing out another. Today I chose to tiptoe forward, letting myself feel the moment, being in it, rather than rushing around it. My pitter-pattering led me up a tree. Literally.

I'd forgotten how much fun I have, how easily seduced by nature I can be, and when I rediscovered this it made me laugh. Loud. Potentially traumatizing the chihuahuas, but nevertheless. 

Living is the moment, finding glory in something unsurprising, and being completely captivated by that familiar's newness. Because we don't always level our gaze, or look to see. But today is a great day to start.

{source}

I HAZ Anniversary!!!!

So it's our five year anniversary, and I may be a leetle bit excited. But I just can't help myself!! I love to celebrate, and I am mad about paying homage to love.

There were many times in my life where I could have settled. Where I could have gone down this way or that. But when it came to finding the person who made me want to be the best I could be, I got downright lucky. There are no rules in love, which may be why I do it well. Today I'm giddy with anniversary shimmies, and proud of the Mrs. tag in front of my name. It's been five years of wedded landscape, and we've certainly hung the moon, battled the tar babies, and danced over hot coals. But amid the chaos of life, there has always been a calm pressing against the spinning of my wheels.

Thank you, better part of me. Everything, everything. That's what you mean.

The Artist's Path

I've been neglecting this blog, and I feel badly about that. Two things happened. The first was my job change. I feel like my career path is finally lining up with my dreams, but it's been a shift that has taken away much of my free time. It's worth it, but I miss being able to submerse myself in the words like I was before.

I'm still rolling around in them, but it's with a different purpose. On the weekend I muck it up, but during my working hours, I'm creating a different sort of harmony. The other reason I'm not here as often is that I've begun following my Artist Path via The Artist's Way. Since I'm sharing all of my ramblings in my three pages daily scribblings there, I've pulled away from here.

This week I've learned something though, from my artist walking. I've allowed myself to listen. There are times, daily, when I will think of something nice I'd like to do. For myself or someone else. But I, more often than not, talk myself out of doing whatever it was that came to me.

I'm struggling with my most recent phase of "growing up," and it's been a boundary builder between myself and the unhealthy -isms in my life. I neglected to realize that boundaries go both ways. While I'm building some, there are also a few I need to drop. One of which is offering kindness for no reason, even if I fear the act will be rejected or I will be ridiculed. I have a constant fear of that very thing.

The inner critic is hard to bitch-slap off my shoulder, but I'm not going to let her prevent me from my actions anymore.

In yoga there are two rules that I believe are the foundation for all yogic practice. 1) Breathe - always go to your breath, your deep rhythmic yogic breath. 2) If it hurts, don't do it. If it feels good, find your comfortable edge.

I'm spreading my practice's wings out into my life, as I discover the next pocket of marbles I've forgotten I have. I hope kindness finds its way to you today, that you cherish who you are, and where you're going. All things are possible, all you have to do is reach.

{source}