The main reason I began this blog was because I was drowning. Or fading. Or losing control. Perhaps all three in one twisted cyclone of sorrow and rage. I didn't know how to distribute my emotions. After we had the second miscarriage, reality just snapped. I developed a panic disorder, and became the proxy for all anxiety in a five mile radius. The extreme shift had me feeling like I was suffering a special sort of madness divvied by the waving of a Hatter's hand.
Stress affects everyone. Sorrow is especially hard hitting, even for a pretty optimistic girl. I took my cues from Pollyanna and Mary Poppins as a child, and kept them in my back pocket when with adolescence, and an extremely dysfunctional (though occasionally charming) family, life grew dark. I managed to forge forward, make the tough decisions that come from raising oneself, and keep it together. Living primarily on my own, I graduated from my tiny high school of brilliant minds as salutatorian, went to college, saved my own life, and discovered the beauty of real love in the man I married.
Most of the time, I put my head down and moved. Following my feet where they would carry me. Nothing about my journey was extraordinary, except that it was mine. To those who know me best, and who were along for the turning of the tides, there were some fairly engaging and bizarre bits of time. But it's all past. Just as the miscarriages, the loss, and the extreme feelings of failure are past.
We get the choice to choose. To either dwell in the wrongs and misgivings that have gotten in our way over the course of our life, or to let go. Decide to be bitter or better. The mind is constantly in either the past or the future. Worrying over what is to come, or feeling over what has transpired. But in the present is where the truth waits.
I'm glad I began this blog. That I had the courage to do this, even when I felt as though I was talking to myself. My ramblings aren't brilliant notions for the ages, but pieces of me. As I continue working on myself, on rebuilding and putting Paige back together, I'm grateful I have taken the time to examine some of my lesser and greater parts.
Each footprint imprinted in the earth is a part of our journey. The leaps and bounds may feel exhilarating, but it's impossible to get to the point where you can jump, knowing the net will appear, if you haven't had the courage to walk to that point in the path.
I hope you, whoever you are, don't ever give up taking the steps to where you want to go. Remember to look up along the way, to draw inspiration from all the beauty that passes you by, and know that you're never alone.