There is always something that you can worry about. Last night, as I tried to avoid the weather forecast of predicted storms continuing to bustle their petticoats and trample across the south, I realized what my larger fear was.
I'm mindful of what I say and speak, but rarely what I think. In my head, my worries were that the Universe may have taken agin' me. I had to use my yogi skills to calm down enough to go inside and inspect what had me climbing the walls. It wasn't the terror of a tornado -- although that was certainly present. It was the idea that I am an existing non-existent.
I'm talking about the feeling that you don't matter. Which I think we all experience at difference times, in different ways. After the miscarriages, perception, reality and death become real, harsh and hard. So much so, that I feel as though I'm always on the edge of my seat, waiting for the freight train to come barreling around the bend, hop the tracks and skid straight for me.
Then, I'll have pull up my Wonder Woman boot straps, slam into it and prevent it from toppling onto me and crumbling everyone else around me. Because, clearly, I am a super hero waiting to showcase her super mad skills.
It took me a few moments to gather wisdom from the deeper river running through my internal struggle. And that is that it's not the Universe, it's me. For whatever reason, I'm not fully committing to believing in myself. It doesn't matter what's coming. That's (in the largest sense of the world) out of my hands.
But how I deal with the present, with the now, is entirely up to me. I can choose to think that my comeuppance is a reoccurring one way trip to the broken dreams wasteland, or I can change course.
There will always be something to worry about. But I don't always have to take the bait and let the worry rule my world. Recognizing this has brought me a relaxed clarity.
I can't guarantee that I won't roll up my sleeves, smack the She-Ra crown on my head and then prepare to drop-kick any agitation or fear train that comes speeding my way. But I do feel better knowing that I can send the caboose reeling, with just a flick of the imagination and a little belief of me getting out of the way.
I hope that you find your Peace Train today, and everyday that you seek it.
Today's word is: irenic